


Babies learn quickly. They are learning to love and trust familiar caregivers. Babies become attached to parents and others through consistent, loving responses such as holding, playing, feeding, soothing, talking gently and lovingly, stimulating, creating bedtime and bath time routines, and prompt attention to their needs. Babies begin to respond to a range of different (but equally valuable) types of parenting styles that each parent provides.
Most parents have different ways of parenting. It is helpful if parents share information about how they are parenting the child while the child is in their care. In addition, parents need to be sensitive to their baby’s emotional reactions, ability to adjust to changes when going from one parent to the other, and mood. It helps when parents talk about these things when making or changing schedules.
Babies cannot remember things they experienced over time – in other words, “out of sight, out of mind.” Therefore, it is important that they have frequent contact with each of their parents and have a stable schedule and routine. On the other hand, babies do have "emotional memories" of conflict that can have long‐term negative effects, so parents should not argue when children, even babies, can hear the arguing. Many babies are sensitive to the tension between the parents at exchange, time, so if you cannot be pleasant to each other, you may need someone else to help with the exchange times.
At around six months, babies can recognize their parents and other caregivers and may become uneasy around strangers. Regular caregivers understand how the child signals the need for food, comfort, and sleep. When away from parents or significant caregivers, babies may become anxious and have eating and sleeping problems. However, being away from one parent or caregiver and in the care of the other parent to whom the child is bonded should not be a problem for most babies.
Babies have basic sleep, feeding, and waking schedules. It is important to keep the baby on these schedules. Parents should work out their own plans so they do not interfere with the baby’s normal routine. Also, in creating parenting plans for this age group, parents ought to think about the special needs of breast‐feeding babies. Nursing mothers may want to express milk and send bottles with the baby so the father can feed the baby during his parenting time.
Moving between the parents’ homes may be difficult for some youngsters, and they may become upset at these times. For some children, resistance to exchange time is normal. This behavior does not necessarily mean that the other parent is not a good parent or that the child does not want to be with the other parent. While parents need to be sensitive to whatever the child is experiencing, most children calm down shortly after the exchange. You can make exchanges easier for your child by following predictable schedules, avoiding conflict with the other parent in front of your child, and supporting your child’s relationship with the other parent.
Predictable, regularly scheduled routines help children manage their fears and help them learn that the world is a safe place. Moving between parents' homes may become difficult for some children at this age, and they may become upset. This behavior does not necessarily mean that the other parent is not a good parent or that the child does not want to be with the other parent. Parents must continue to ensure that the transitions between the two parents’ homes are free of parental arguing and tension.
Three‐ to five‐year‐olds may show increased emotional discomfort when moving between parents' homes. Some of these children may become very upset at these times. This behavior does not necessarily mean that the other parent isn’t a good parent or that the child does not want to be with the other parent. Parents can make exchanges easier for children by following predictable schedules and making sure the child isn’t exposed to conflict between the parents.
Children are more likely to resist going to the other parent if the parents are tense or hostile or argue with each other at the exchange. If tension is present, the child might become difficult to manage or might act out negative feelings. If parents cannot be nice to each other, or at least civil, they should avoid talking to each other at these exchanges. Parents must not use the child as a messenger to communicate with the other parent. Children may also feel more secure if they can take favorite stuffed toys, family photos, or other objects that will remind them of the other parent.
After age three, children become more aware of holiday celebrations. Parents should schedule holidays, which may be religious, cultural, or national, that are meaningful to the child and the family. Parents should also include birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day in the parenting plan.
Three‐ to five‐year‐olds may benefit from structured time with children their own age, away from parents. This time helps them develop social skills and learn that they can be safe and happy away from both parents.
Some six‐ to nine‐year‐old children benefit from spending more time at one home, while others move back and forth on a regular basis with ease. Children differ in how long they are comfortable being away from each parent. Some may be comfortable being away from the parent with whom the child lives most of the time on a regular basis for two or more days. If the child has spent considerable quality time with the parent who has parenting time, the child may cope better with a long separation from the other parent. As a child matures, longer periods of parenting time with fewer exchanges between parents may be preferred.
In making a parenting time schedule, parents should keep their work schedules in mind and try to use their time off from work to spend as much time as possible with the child. If a parent’s work schedule changes from week to week, the parenting plan may let that parent spend time with the child on the parent’s days off from work after giving plenty of advance notice to the other parent.
Children of this age often want to have a say in where they live. Parents should let them express their views, while making it clear it is up to the parents to make the final decisions. As children begin junior high school, parents should make sure the parenting plan considers the child’s school and extracurricular activities. The parents also should consider the child’s desire for an occasional overnight with friends away from both homes. Parents should be flexible while at the same time making sure that each parent has parenting time regularly.
group as well as from one situation to another.
Teens often have outside interests that compete with the scheduled parenting plan. They frequently prefer to spend more time with their friends than their parents and may become resentful or angry if they cannot do what they want to do.
Teens may try to reach a deal with one or both parents to get what they want, which may affect either parent’s parenting time. It is important for parents to talk with each other to decide when their parenting plan should be more flexible.
Teens may feel they should have more independence and may resist a rigid parenting time schedule. Parents must add greater flexibility to the parenting plan by thinking about the child’s wishes and deciding parenting time issues with the child. That way, teenagers won’t feel forced to comply with a parenting schedule in which they had no say but instead will feel like they are doing something they want to do.
Your teen may benefit from a primary home base, with specific evenings, weekends, and activities at the other home scheduled on a regular and predictable basis. More than anything, your teenager will usually want a say in the parenting plan but the teen does not get to choose. Regardless of your teen’s needs, the parenting plan should include the considerations listed below:
• work
• extracurricular activities
• social life
• increased schoolwork
• jobs
• peer relationships
• sports
Many teens prefer one primary home (close to their friends), and weekends or evenings with the other parent. Some will prefer a balanced, 50‐50 plan with their parents. Much of this will depend on the history of the relationship with each other, the distance between parents, and the parents’ availability to meet their child’s needs.